An Open Letter to Readers & Bloggers

Dear Blog-Friends,

Over the last (I think) 3 years, I have enjoyed your company. Better said, because of you, I have had more courage and self-appreciation.

It is with deep regret that I sadly tell you...I am quitting blogging.

My life is very full now - my daughter, husband, brother, school, dogs, cats, house. I just don't have the time to dedicate to this blog.

I thank all of you for your help and support. Please feel free to comment or email me (if you put your email in a comment, I won't post the comment).

Be Well.

Peace

Mind & Body

Don't ever let anyone tell you that the Mind & Body are not connected.

With all the stress I've been under over the last 12+ months - and more so over the last 2 - my body is "rejecting" my mind.

Covered in scales
red with itch
blood in dots

Brain is shaken
stirred
clamoring with mud

Relaxation
impossible to find
cramped in a box

Surprisingly, my Spirituality is in tact.

Peace

It Rolls Downhill, right?

Thanks to the wife, my child is learning how to cheat, lie, disobey, avoid consequences...

This whole thing just needs to get settled and be over!

Peace

Part 1

As promised, I will start to tell what happened during the last week of December.

Part 1

Child called me on my cell. Child said my ex wanted to talk to me. I asked child why child did not know. I asked if there was an emergency - the answer was no. I told child that I would call my ex later, when I was home.

Later, I called my ex. He told me “they” talked with the lawyer and lawyer said child could (a) J would return Home and stay until child decided to return to ex's; (b) child would return home and then return to ex's as soon as school year was over; or (c) child would stay with ex and not come home. Ex said child told him child wants to stay with him and not return home. Ex also this because I had "no right" to "sue" for custody. I explained that I was not “suing” – I just wanted legal documentation that showed me as the primary custodial parent. I also ex that child told “us” (me, husband, counselor) that child wanted to be with me for at least one more year. Ex said, “I think you need to talk to child about that.” So, I did.

Child gave me the same "speech" – “they” talked to the lawyer, what the options were…but, child wants to come home and, at the end of school, discuss what to do next. I told child the ex had a different idea. Child said that didn't make sense because child told ex the same thing. I told child she needed to have another talk with my ex. She put ex back on phone.

Ex said child doesn't want to leave him. I asked about certain legal restrictions about child's travel; he said lawyer could have those changed in a day. I said I was not OK with this and that child should return to finish her commitments. Ex said nothing. I said, “You aren’t going to allow her to return, are you?” Ex said he wasn't. Ex put child back on phone.

I told child what ex said. Child said, “No, that’s not it.” I heard her ex in the background yelling at child. Suddenly, child said, “I’m not coming back.” I said, “OK. When did you change your mind?” Child said she didn’t know. I asked if it was before or after she arrived in at ex's. Child said it was after because “we did a lot of thinking about it” and it made the most sense to stay. I asked to talk to ex. Ex got back on the phone. I asked when I would see child again and he said, “I dunno; I’ll have to think about that. Goodbye.” and hung up.

Kriest on a Krtutch

I could just scream!

Just when I started working on getting some spirituality back into my life

BAM

The bastard - excuse me - my child's father calls me to nit-pick because HE deserves more respect and conditions than I do. Why? Well after all, child has lived with him her whole life! I was calm til that point.

Damn, I'm angry!

Cleanliness is next to...

As for trite sayings...

Setting: A non-work day in which all good Christians are begging forgiveness for sins they have not done. Our home; food cooking; MIL arrives 50 minutes early.
MIL: Oh, I hope Sonny didn't cook! He is so busy working all week!
Me: No, I cooked. *jokingly* Afterall, I just sit around all week and eat bonbons...
MIL: Sonny should be sitting and resting. He could easily get the dia-beat-us again!
Sonny: Ligeia offered to cook.
MIL: Oh, do you want me to clean the kitchen floor for you? They say 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness'.
Me: Then everyone who lives in this house is going to Hell.

Peace.


p.s. Lunacy is next to Paranoia - just because I can't remember the facts about one of my ex-family member's mental states, I'm (again) the Devil-Incarnate. Gave me a good laugh!

How do you know to believe someone?

Over the last 6 years, I've taught myself how to accept and be more tolerant of people. I am in no way perfect; I tolerate most people, but do not care for people who are self-righteous or who believe their beliefs are the only correct ones. I have also learned forgiveness - of myself and others. There are people who truly do make an effort to change how they deal with the world, their lives, and others around them. Some are successful; some are not. Success only counts if they want me to be part of their lives.

There is someone in my life - via Parvarti - who continues to insist "she" has changed and made an effort. That I am the one who is "holding up the progress" because I will not accept an apology or believe her. Unless the Goddess Herself comes to me and tells me to trust this person, I never will. I do not believe she has changed, nor that her "apology" was sincere. I believe her constant pronouncements to the world that she is a changed person and that she is a caring and loving person are proof that (a) she is not sincere and (b) it is all self-serving.

Cynical am I? Yes. It has taken me more than 10 years to even give my own father the benefit of the doubt that he has "changed" for the better. One cannot hurt another so severely to expect immediate forgiveness. At least, not from me.

I've vented. I can continue my day. Thank you for reading.

Peace

Looking a Gift Horse in the....

Things have been fairly lousy the last year or so. Yes, Freya is here - I think I need another name for her....But as for money, love, and general peace (piece?) of mind, it hasn't been working out so well.

This week, however, life is looking up. They are small steps (which I knew they would be) and there are no promises hidden in those prints. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I cannot become excited about the prospects.

With the Sun in Scorpio, I should be having a burst of power and energy; I have neither, in any facet of my life. I have a burst of hope, and a burst of activity, and finally a burst of Sun-shine. But...but...

BUT

My pessimism has gotten the better of me. Oh, sure, I can put on the happy face, act perky and spew out optimism and helpful hints. I'm pleasant, well-mannered, courteous, interested, and talkative. It is all for others - it is all an act. Could this be why I'm not sleeping well?

Sure, look a the bright side! See the glass as half-full! Look at the possibilities!

*blech* It frightens me to exhaustion - what if these things don't work out? What if someone decides they didn't make the right decision? How do I know what my instincts are telling me if I've been so apt to not listen lately?

Faith & Hope. Without those, we would perish.

I'm not quite ready to perish.

Peace

Why I should stop...but don't

You'd think Themas would have finished doin' her thing by now, but, nope! We are still in a bit of a life 'n death struggle with the pantomime Princess Margaret...er, sorry, got a bit Python there.

We are still in a struggle for the well-being of Freya.

I read the ex's wife's blog about once a week. I can't handle every day; and the entries I do read, most make me want to throw up.

I should really stop reading. The reason I don't is that all the nonsense builds my case. Sad, actually.

I have to remember to do some deep breathing and ask for some courage before I willy-nilly logon to her blog. If not, things that make me so f***ing mad get my stomach churning and, thus, put my mind in a foul state.

I suppose it is a good thing that Freya's father has someone he can devote himself to and do things for that he would not devote himself to or do things for me. In other words, all those things I found important and he found unnecessary are suddenly right and necessary with her. And, yes, she knows this and, yes, she does flaunt it - "he wouldn't dare do this for the bio-mom...because she was undeserving". Yes, that is written in the history.

OK, enough, right?

Peace

Have to get it out

I had decided a while back to not write about my struggles with my Daughter (Freya) and the female that married Freya's father. Lately, however, it has been building and I've just got to get it out.

If you do not want to read rantings, leave now.

After a long struggle, Freya is finally here. We only have a few pieces of paper and a few months to go before it is permanent. While she is here I have not disallowed her contact with her father and his female. However, I am going to change my mind.

Freya receives packages and emails from the female quite often. Phone calls are few and far between - and Freya's father seems to have forgotten how to communicate with her.

I had promised myself I would not turn this into a "you wouldn't let me, so I'm not going to let you" thing, but, it may come to that. I'll just have to find a way to explain it to Freya without actually saying "why should I let that female do and give to you what I was chastised in doing?"

Of course, I will have to tell you why...I must. It is eating me inside and I have no other way to let it out.

Phone calls consisting of "things aren't the same without you" , "we don't know how to have a normal day without you" , "I'm not going to have a party because you aren't here". Now, had I said those things (and, yes, I have said the first statement) I would be chastised and not allowed to speak to Freya. I lie not.

Another part of this is emails. "We - no I - miss you more than anyone" , "why can't we IM - you don't have to let her know we are talking" , "I'm so sad without you here - even your dad can't make me happy." Psycho Psyicko

Now, the blog: *note: just in case, i've changed some words, but not the meaning*

i could work to make things better for her. giving her what makes people feel safe and secure like boundaries, guidelines, consistency, love, nurture, doing what you say you are going to do.

Odd, I had done that for 6 years while Freya's father said "let her eat paste" Oh, I forgot, I'm the evil bio-mom.

And more:

i was a mother to her without stepping on her birth mother

Yep, I'm just the case that carried her for 9 months, put up with her father's "I need to be me" $hit and gave Freya all her building blocks (mentally) for 6 years.

I'm having a talk with my lawyer, my therapist, and my Goddess on how to handle this. I cannot have Freya subjected to this guilt or "adult talk". She is young and should be concerned with young things.

Thank you.

Peace