Have to get it out

I had decided a while back to not write about my struggles with my Daughter (Freya) and the female that married Freya's father. Lately, however, it has been building and I've just got to get it out.

If you do not want to read rantings, leave now.

After a long struggle, Freya is finally here. We only have a few pieces of paper and a few months to go before it is permanent. While she is here I have not disallowed her contact with her father and his female. However, I am going to change my mind.

Freya receives packages and emails from the female quite often. Phone calls are few and far between - and Freya's father seems to have forgotten how to communicate with her.

I had promised myself I would not turn this into a "you wouldn't let me, so I'm not going to let you" thing, but, it may come to that. I'll just have to find a way to explain it to Freya without actually saying "why should I let that female do and give to you what I was chastised in doing?"

Of course, I will have to tell you why...I must. It is eating me inside and I have no other way to let it out.

Phone calls consisting of "things aren't the same without you" , "we don't know how to have a normal day without you" , "I'm not going to have a party because you aren't here". Now, had I said those things (and, yes, I have said the first statement) I would be chastised and not allowed to speak to Freya. I lie not.

Another part of this is emails. "We - no I - miss you more than anyone" , "why can't we IM - you don't have to let her know we are talking" , "I'm so sad without you here - even your dad can't make me happy." Psycho Psyicko

Now, the blog: *note: just in case, i've changed some words, but not the meaning*

i could work to make things better for her. giving her what makes people feel safe and secure like boundaries, guidelines, consistency, love, nurture, doing what you say you are going to do.

Odd, I had done that for 6 years while Freya's father said "let her eat paste" Oh, I forgot, I'm the evil bio-mom.

And more:

i was a mother to her without stepping on her birth mother

Yep, I'm just the case that carried her for 9 months, put up with her father's "I need to be me" $hit and gave Freya all her building blocks (mentally) for 6 years.

I'm having a talk with my lawyer, my therapist, and my Goddess on how to handle this. I cannot have Freya subjected to this guilt or "adult talk". She is young and should be concerned with young things.

Thank you.

Peace