Funny!

Be put in a cauldron of lead and usurer's grease, amongst a whole million of cutpurses, and there boil like a gammon of bacon that will never be enough.
-Taken from: The Two Noble Kinsmen

Informal poll

How would you feel if I told you I was going to return to school in January?
Oh, and have my new degree in less than 2 years?
Oh, and finally realize one of my lifelong dreams?

Peace

How do you know to believe someone?

Over the last 6 years, I've taught myself how to accept and be more tolerant of people. I am in no way perfect; I tolerate most people, but do not care for people who are self-righteous or who believe their beliefs are the only correct ones. I have also learned forgiveness - of myself and others. There are people who truly do make an effort to change how they deal with the world, their lives, and others around them. Some are successful; some are not. Success only counts if they want me to be part of their lives.

There is someone in my life - via Parvarti - who continues to insist "she" has changed and made an effort. That I am the one who is "holding up the progress" because I will not accept an apology or believe her. Unless the Goddess Herself comes to me and tells me to trust this person, I never will. I do not believe she has changed, nor that her "apology" was sincere. I believe her constant pronouncements to the world that she is a changed person and that she is a caring and loving person are proof that (a) she is not sincere and (b) it is all self-serving.

Cynical am I? Yes. It has taken me more than 10 years to even give my own father the benefit of the doubt that he has "changed" for the better. One cannot hurt another so severely to expect immediate forgiveness. At least, not from me.

I've vented. I can continue my day. Thank you for reading.

Peace

Interesting

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
- Henry Adams

Double Bubble Toil & Trouble

OK, that isn't exact; it is what I used to say as a kid.

I hope everyone's Samhain was blessed and fruitful. I've decided not to write about mine. It was very personal this year. In today's entry, I'd like to write about other things going on in my (our) life.

To start with, Freya (daughter) has been renamed Parvati - the Indian Goddess of Perserverance.
Husband is now Rhian - I could not find a God of Endurance, so, I shortened the female form, Rhiannon.
I am still Ligeia.

Early this year, Parvati "got into trouble". Her dues paying is long, drawn out, and necessary. In a matter of months, her dues will be paid in full and she can place this "episode" and all she has learned into her Book of Life.

When Parvati moved here, Rhian and I were overjoyed - we still are. We had our "honeymoon" phase with her, which turned to the reality phase; now, we are in the everyday phase - a good place to be. Parvati has showed marked improvement in thinking, acting, responsibility and daily relaxing.

The relationship between Rhian and I is still at a standstill. To some, this would seem fine; to me, it is not. I grow and change everyday - we all do. I refuse to be stagnant in all parts of my life. Rhian finds stagnation wonderful. It is passed stability - which is nice and necessary! I realized over a year ago Rhian is depressed. He refuses to change anything about how he lives (or doesn't live) his life. I cannot be this way. My solution - because I do love and care for him - is to work with and around this, while still being my own person. I had problems with this for a while; putting more Faith in my life everyday is helping tremendously! Our relationship is not adversely affecting Parvati - this is important!

I am again working part-time. The last "permanent" job is now a "contract" (easiest way to explain) with little prospect of continuing past January. This is fine with me. The part-time gig is something I've done before and know I can do. It is not my dream job and the pay is minimal; but, it is something and fills the gaps until something more profitable comes along.

In January, when one aspect ends, another will re-begin. I will return to University. I am thrilled beyond belief! It will, again, be part-time; but it gets me closer to my goal! I have the same adviser (Thank you) and it is the same campus, but none of the people I knew 2 years ago will be there. This will make for interesting alliances!

Spiritual stuff next time.

Peace

Faith or "How Christian Guilt got the Better of Me"

Faith.

Willow reminds me of this.

Old Guilt "tells" me I'm not allowed to have it. After all, I haven't had a decent ritual in months; I haven't been reading any Wicca books lately; my time spent outside has been minimal. I don't "deserve" Faith. (kind of like not going to church...)

But, I do.

Faith.

Today I will find out if I will have help attaining my life-long dream. (My second life-long dream of hanging out with a particular animal is put on hold until I win the lottery.) Back to point...

Faith is what I have this morning - what I will re-attach to my Soul. It will take a while, as I must do it piece-by-piece. The first piece was pocketed in my Soul today.

Thank you.

Peace

Looking a Gift Horse in the....

Things have been fairly lousy the last year or so. Yes, Freya is here - I think I need another name for her....But as for money, love, and general peace (piece?) of mind, it hasn't been working out so well.

This week, however, life is looking up. They are small steps (which I knew they would be) and there are no promises hidden in those prints. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I cannot become excited about the prospects.

With the Sun in Scorpio, I should be having a burst of power and energy; I have neither, in any facet of my life. I have a burst of hope, and a burst of activity, and finally a burst of Sun-shine. But...but...

BUT

My pessimism has gotten the better of me. Oh, sure, I can put on the happy face, act perky and spew out optimism and helpful hints. I'm pleasant, well-mannered, courteous, interested, and talkative. It is all for others - it is all an act. Could this be why I'm not sleeping well?

Sure, look a the bright side! See the glass as half-full! Look at the possibilities!

*blech* It frightens me to exhaustion - what if these things don't work out? What if someone decides they didn't make the right decision? How do I know what my instincts are telling me if I've been so apt to not listen lately?

Faith & Hope. Without those, we would perish.

I'm not quite ready to perish.

Peace

Explanations

In "their" words:

The energy intensifies as the Sun slips into passionate Scorpio and we face the approach of winter's long nights. The leaves fall to the ground and we think about our mortality, along with the mysteries of the death-rebirth cycle. We want to talk about these experiences beyond language as retrograde Mercury aligns with the Sun today. The Moon's entry into impetuous Aries shows our current lack of patience as we take this journey into the unknown.

In Ligeia's words:

Anxiety boils in my veins
the Sting of love and commitment
Dark, loneliness spreading ever faster
hidden and in the Open simultaneously
Translations lost
Unsure of which way to run
grasping fore the Sense of it
Abating the desperation
Praying for strength
Courage

Sinking Feelings

I'm not getting lost in the bottomless pit again.
Not the emotional one.
I have too much to live for -
Freya.

A Song in my...

I'm not sure if it is in my head, my heart...or maybe it is just indigestion?

For the last several days - about 6 - I have felt the Julie Andrews urge (you know, run through a field and sing) - problem is, I can't hear the tune and I don't know if it has words - I can only feel it. Literally.

There are many questions I have:

• Are there words?
• Why can't I hear the music? Am I not suppose to?
• How do I express it?
• Should I have butter or cream cheese on my bagel?

Any words of wisdom would be SO MUCH appreciated!

Peace

Heresy

To some, that may be what this post is.

Yesterday I spent time with a woman whose husband is dying. This is the 3rd time I've met with her; because of my pseudo-job (more on that in another post). I've known about her husband's condition since the first time I met her, almost 3 weeks ago. Each time I've met with her, she has come close to tears - losing the love of her life after 50 years will do that to a person. She has a strong belief in the Christian God. She believes her God has given her this "task" of taking care of her dying husband for some greater reason.

She was crying yesterday. She was afraid of being alone, of not knowing what she was going to do when her husband finally passes and she has moved to live near her daughter. She feels old and unable to "start over". My advice to her was to think of it not as starting over but as moving on from that point. Starting over is so overwhelming for people who have had a lifetime of only one type of reality.

Although I do not share her belief of a Christian God, yesterday, I did believe that there is an Ultimate Supreme Being. I believe the Goddess and God are the USB, collectively. I've always had a hard time dividing the USB into more than one; but I've grown in my belief and know, in my Soul, that the USB shows Itself in the forms we need.

Peace

Help from Anonymous

I finally joined WitchVox. If you want to know more, ask and I will email you privately.

I posted the verse I posted here yesterday.

I got advice from an anonymous source. This source told me to listen to the west wind.

This morning, while driving to work, the Sky was a beautiful stormy blue. I remembered the wisdom shared. I slowed down, rolled down the window, and felt the oddly warm breeze on my face. Calmness overcame me. Rejuvenation, too.

I thank Horus for sending this help.

Peace

Emptiness

And the spinning in my head
shooting thoughts screaming to
remove themselves from prison
Sorrow deep and wounding
with despair creeping on
four legs to take over
no silence left to decide
how to accomplish the task of
life

Peering to the Eastern Moon
pleading for guidance
for help and control
Looking inward to the Self
asking for motivation and sincere
effort

Full Sunshine midst
the heavy Darkness
Rain beating furiously on my back
the Earth arid from the droplets
Screeching
Pounding
Searching for answers to be found
Nowhere

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Peace

Mabon

As with most of my celebrations this year, Mabon was quiet and unassuming. Sundays are usually not days Freya and I look forward to. This is a sad state, and it is my duty to change this pallor day. Moving on...

Freya and I took a walk in the morning and took many photos of our land. The Autumn colors are beautiful and vibrant, reminding us that, even though soon these colors will fall and ice-white Winter will arrive, we still have life left in us.

I spent time in the evening meditating and asking myself to have faith in myself. I thanked the Goddess for moving us along and keeping her nurturing glow around us. I wished the God a grand send off, but told him he must leave part of himself behind to keep me motivated! I'm so selfish.

Peace

How to Play Nice

Felt I needed to share this today. Yes, I know, it is Mabon. You will get more on my celebration tomorrow.

From About.com: (paraphrasing)

• If you are upset with someone, remember, you could be found out and then need to explain.
• Don't reprint lots of other blog entries without permission.
• Respond to comments.

Peace

Time...

I was making time - well, I'm not that powerful (snicker). Seriously, I had time. Now, it is gone again. Why? Work. I don't mind the money - the electric bill needs paid - but I mind the loss of "me" time. Which, includes, this blog (and my other blog that I can't mention here :)

One thing I will find time to do is put links on this page to those blogs that I visit. If you find yourself on the list, and you don't want to be there, let me know. If you don't find yourself on the list and you want to be there, let me know that too!

Oh, give me a day or two to get the list up, please.

And, thanks to everyone who has commented. You deserve "real" replies - that may take a day or two, too.

Peace

New Moon

I am praying the Goddess will see fit to allow this New Moon to lead me in the direction of more calmness, prosperity in the monetary and relationship sense. I am also hoping to find a way to close the door on a "friendship" that just didn't work out, and the moving on of my best friend.

Peace

Why I should stop...but don't

You'd think Themas would have finished doin' her thing by now, but, nope! We are still in a bit of a life 'n death struggle with the pantomime Princess Margaret...er, sorry, got a bit Python there.

We are still in a struggle for the well-being of Freya.

I read the ex's wife's blog about once a week. I can't handle every day; and the entries I do read, most make me want to throw up.

I should really stop reading. The reason I don't is that all the nonsense builds my case. Sad, actually.

I have to remember to do some deep breathing and ask for some courage before I willy-nilly logon to her blog. If not, things that make me so f***ing mad get my stomach churning and, thus, put my mind in a foul state.

I suppose it is a good thing that Freya's father has someone he can devote himself to and do things for that he would not devote himself to or do things for me. In other words, all those things I found important and he found unnecessary are suddenly right and necessary with her. And, yes, she knows this and, yes, she does flaunt it - "he wouldn't dare do this for the bio-mom...because she was undeserving". Yes, that is written in the history.

OK, enough, right?

Peace

HA!

You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish--O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!
-Taken from: Henry IV, part I

Have to get it out

I had decided a while back to not write about my struggles with my Daughter (Freya) and the female that married Freya's father. Lately, however, it has been building and I've just got to get it out.

If you do not want to read rantings, leave now.

After a long struggle, Freya is finally here. We only have a few pieces of paper and a few months to go before it is permanent. While she is here I have not disallowed her contact with her father and his female. However, I am going to change my mind.

Freya receives packages and emails from the female quite often. Phone calls are few and far between - and Freya's father seems to have forgotten how to communicate with her.

I had promised myself I would not turn this into a "you wouldn't let me, so I'm not going to let you" thing, but, it may come to that. I'll just have to find a way to explain it to Freya without actually saying "why should I let that female do and give to you what I was chastised in doing?"

Of course, I will have to tell you why...I must. It is eating me inside and I have no other way to let it out.

Phone calls consisting of "things aren't the same without you" , "we don't know how to have a normal day without you" , "I'm not going to have a party because you aren't here". Now, had I said those things (and, yes, I have said the first statement) I would be chastised and not allowed to speak to Freya. I lie not.

Another part of this is emails. "We - no I - miss you more than anyone" , "why can't we IM - you don't have to let her know we are talking" , "I'm so sad without you here - even your dad can't make me happy." Psycho Psyicko

Now, the blog: *note: just in case, i've changed some words, but not the meaning*

i could work to make things better for her. giving her what makes people feel safe and secure like boundaries, guidelines, consistency, love, nurture, doing what you say you are going to do.

Odd, I had done that for 6 years while Freya's father said "let her eat paste" Oh, I forgot, I'm the evil bio-mom.

And more:

i was a mother to her without stepping on her birth mother

Yep, I'm just the case that carried her for 9 months, put up with her father's "I need to be me" $hit and gave Freya all her building blocks (mentally) for 6 years.

I'm having a talk with my lawyer, my therapist, and my Goddess on how to handle this. I cannot have Freya subjected to this guilt or "adult talk". She is young and should be concerned with young things.

Thank you.

Peace